....shit.

Something happened last night.....I will not mention what but only a few know about it. Anyway this "something" made me realize something else which I have not realized...or maybe I've realized but i've been trying to brush it away thinking it wasn't a big deal but after last night, i guess it kind of hit me and shook me up, out of my senses. Again. Or more like..shook me to my senses?? I really dont know which anymore.

*sigh* I hate feeling this wayyy.....!!!! All confused and irrational and "scattered" (my thoughts that is)..not knowing what else to think. No..i dont want to go back to where i came from. But it seems like this is what i do best =S I'm sick and tired of it..! Yet i always find myself at that point i vowed not to go back to any longer.......

I actually felt sad & hurt..cos he wasn't there when i needed to talk to him last night. Altho he was at a friend's house..he told me he was "busy" when i asked if i could call at that time to talk. I knew he was not busy. Or maybe he was "busy" playing games and such. Too busy to be available for me it seemed. He's never there. Especially at times when i need him the most. Bah. Why do i bother sometimes?! I mean, when does he call?? He only calls when he's outside and has nothing to do at that moment, or when he's waiting for something or for some other reasons. I doubt his calls are sincerely because he wants to talk to me. Gosh. Which just means he's using me!!!!

I know, i know. I can be really dumb. And i mean really dumb. For those of you who know what i'm talking about...you know how i've been. Imagine wasting all that time away..when i could have been doin something else more...."beneficial"? Altho i dont know what would have seemed "beneficial" at that time.

But yeh. I know i deserve something more. I'm not dumb when it comes to this. But still, i AM dumb, cos even tho i know i deserve something more, i cant help but to allow those old feelings to come back and attack me! Sooo, at the end of the day, i guess i'm still dumb. -_- That summarizes my dumb-ness and why i'm still feeling this way sometimes. Ok. End of "dumb story".

WOULD SOMEBODY WAKE ME UP FROM THIS MADNESSSSSSSssssssss........................!!!!!!!

Why do i always have to go back to square one?!!! I'm just boosting his ego, his pride and his....guy-esteem!!!! (if there's even such a word) But yes, i do know what i'm doing! But i.can't.help.myself. I'm sooo weak that i cant prevent myself from doing whatever i'm "good" at doing. And that is to be honest with him whenver i have those "attacks" and blurt everything out and then regret it the next day when i realise i've just boosted his self ego and made him feel as tho he can have me back whenever he wishes.

ARgh! I cant be bothered about how much i expose in this post anymore!! I just feel sooooooooo FED-UP! With myself!!!!!!!! *sob in frustration*

SIGH. Really. I thought i'd be on my way. But it seems i'd always halt and turn back. Maybe cos i havent met anything interesting on my journey and that journey's just becoming too empty and barren. Or im just afraid of getting lost in the wilderness....I really dont know..There was a point when my journey was so interesting i just kept going. But who knew the flowers would be all wilted when i continued down the path?

............ =( Gotta get a grip on myself. I will NOT let him win this "war". Altho maybe it's just me fighting against myself. I wish I could read minds. Things would be so much easier if i could just read his.