'Everybody sees how you seem; however, only some know who you are'

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Random

I was at Central Market last Friday for fruit-shopping. Yea, not grocery shopping but fruit shopping. Anyway, bought a couple apples, kiwis & strawberries. When I got home, I couldnt help it but to snap pics of the apples and strawberries. You'll see why.... (& i duno why i cant get the header 'a mini apple' to move down if there arent words written here..pressed enter to move, but after publishing it's as if i didnt press enter at all)

A mini apple

















A giant strawberry
















Notice how the strawberry is almost the same size as the apple. Since we don't get things like this back home, I just had to take a picture. It's too cool to forgo it.
















The whole lot of strawberries after de-stemming them. Those strawberries were the oddest i've seen. And the hugest. And also the most out of shaped strawberries. I guess the latter falls under "the oddest". Usually strawberries have that..near-heart-shape look..as in wide on the top and pointy at the bottom....ah. There IS one normal looking strawberry in that whole bunch of weird ones. If you look carefully, it's the one on the far left of the bowl. I think that's the only normal strawberry. The rest were really in the weirdest shapes. Some come in square, some even look like an ass. lol. I'm serious!! It's rounded in shape, and there was a line splitting the strawberry in the middle. Totally reminded me of a butt. Should have taken a pic of it..but it was large and ugly so no point taking.

And for those who love strawberries and chocolate, try this: cut yr strawberries into halves and then use a spoon and scoop one spoonful of nutella (of course it depends how much strawberries you have, cos one spoonful of nutella is a lot..using table spoon) and spread it onto the strawberries. Since it's not melted chocolate, it wont really stick to the strawberries but better than nothing right? You get your own chocolate semi-coated strawberries! A healthy way to satisfy yr sweet tooth. Of course, limit the nutella cos you'd tend to scoop another spoonful and eat the hazelnut choc off the spoon after that. I dont know about you but that's what happens to me...! *uhoh*

Or another healthier option - apples this time: cut a whole apple into pieces, maybe into quarterly pieces or however small you want it to be, and then using a spoon, the same thing with the strawberries except this time, it's not nutella but peanut butter! It won't stick as well, cos fruits have got a smooth surface or its just the spread which is unspreadable. Anyway, use a knife to spread the peanut butter onto the apple pieces like how you'd spread peanut butter on bread. It's yummy and more healthy than the nutella & strawberry option. Provided you use good peanut butter that is. As in, get the less fat one..yada yada...otherwise some peanut butter spread may contain more of those unhealthy fats if you get those cheap ones. So yeh..a dessert/snack full of protein and fibre and a lil carbs. HEALTHY!

Lol. I wasn't meant to include these so-called dessert/snack ideas but at the last minute, decided to spice up this entry with something interesting that others might like to try out and enjoy as well..cos i do enjoy them! (otherwise i wouldnt have bothered sharing). Of course the strawberry and nutella one is way better...

stressed & feeling down-der than down.

I've been feeling so stressed out and down I just feel like burying myself. And this time, it isn't stressed because of studies. It's stressed because of health. I don't know why is it that one thing after another is 'attacking' me. As if 6 ailments ain't enough, now i have another one. Well not exactly 6 ailments altogether but more like ailments + health problems. Sigh. I'm not exaggerating at all. I have health problems starting from my head section down to my legs. Ok, ok. This is more like a self-pity post...but they really are starting to overwhelm me so much that I can't do things properly now. When things are supposed to be fun, i'm not having 100% of my share of fun cos of these disturbances... And the recent one with my ear is starting to get to me so bad I just feel like sleeping the whole day and not having to wake up. My whole head feels so imbalanced cos of this and even music, which is supposed to relieve someone of everything, isn't helping me at all. Everything sounds so distant and I feel like I'm living in a dream and everything around me is just surreal....I HATE feeling this way..!! I feel so sick...... =( Sigh. If only all these health problems would go away. That would totally help with my stress levels......I think I need to ask for lots and lots of prayers. That's the only thing left to help me..it's the only thing i'm depending on now since medication won't help..if there even is medication for some.....sigh. God help me........!! i need You.... ='(

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Bad bad day......

My damn camera rolled into the damn river today.........!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was at torrens river today, being thoughtful and writing down my thoughts to be posted here. Everything was going fine till I got up to pack up and leave. I thought my camera was in the bag...but it was actually on my lap. And i got up too fast and watched in horror when I saw something rolling down the river bank fast and going into the water....realizing that 'something' was my camera!!!! When i got near the water to retrieve it, the whole thing had already submerged, cover and all.

Quickly tried to 'recover' it wiping watever water I could but i think a lot of water seeped inside the unreachable areas. The cover was soaking and dripping with water as well but i couldnt care less about the cover. I bought the camera just like... last year...!!!! Sigh. I could cry......... =(

I was so sad and panicky and...yeh. SO sad. Sigh. My ear was disturbing me today as well, having one side gone blocked and everything I hear is just...weird and when i talk, i hear my own voice like how you would if you were to talk when your hands are clamped over yr ears. SO uncomfortable. As if this was not enough, my day had to get worse with the camera incident.

I came back after class ended at 3pm to sleep everything off.. But now that i'm awake, i guess it's still back to reality - my ear is still making me feel 'sick' and my camera is still lying on my table with the screen all filled with droplets of water....

SIGH..... ='(

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Amadeus Pt.1

WOW. Tonight (& last night) was SO awesome..cos we got free tickets to this classical duo called Amadeus, a violinist and pianist performing together. Last night's concert was at some place in the suburbs, on Cremorne St. It was awesome in the sense that the night ended up with lotsa "activities" & good food...(our 'five-some' little secret..hehehe). Tonight's concert was held at Flinders St in the city. I can't begin to tell you how good it was. Ticket price was actually $45 bucks, but we got to watch the concert for free!!!!

How did we get free tickets, you may ask? Well, last sunday after mass, as we were walking out of church there were 2 guys at the entrance handing out flyers and this small piece of paper as the 'ticket', which doesnt exactly match up to the classy looking flyer. So happened joanne and chastine, who were walkin out together then, managed to get an extra 2 more tickets, whereas the other guy only gave me one. So that makes 5 free tickets to the show!

Gosh, the violinist and the pianist were just so good!! I was really awed by the way he played the violin; his hands moved so fast..! If i did that, I think my whole hand would dislocate and drop off my shoulder. No kidding! This is the first time actually, that i've seen a violin performance up close. I'm not really a violin person; I went for the piano part. But..gahhhh. Don't even know how to put my thoughts into words. It was indescribable! Totally value for money mann!! There was even a gourmet supper in between during a break. The food was goooood!! And everything was F-R-E-E. MAnnn..i still cant believe it! So pleased...!! Yeh, i'm smiling like an idiot now.

Anyway, the night ended really good. Only 4 of us went for the concert tonight cos Anthony didnt wanna go tonite after last night. Joanne and Chastine had to leave halfway during the break (after they had stolen some 'gourmet' food..lol) to go to their dance class. So all that was left was Sumi and me. Both of us stayed back when the performance resumed until it ended. The ending part was the best! Saved the best for last, really. It was just so so awesomeeee!!!! So glad for the free tickets and everything..! Cos if joanne and all weren't interested to go, knowing me, i wouldnt have bothered to go as well.

BLISS!!

And yeh, for those girls (like me sometimes, i admit =D ) who generalize when it comes to guys....Well, there really are a handful out there who are seriously sincere and nice and gentleman-like and....I think that's enough to boost their ego.

I didn't know Sumi actually asked one of the guys' to come over to walk me home although I already told her it wasn't necessary & it was actually really safe to walk home alone here. I mean, it's not Malaysia! I wouldnt even dare do that in malaysia. I might have been raped and murdered by then. Lol. Neway back to it. So yeh, we waited for sung to come over to walk me home, Sumi thinking of following him to my place and then walkin back to The Village with him. Instead, Sung came with Anthony and the whole situation was kinda sweet/cute, cos us girls were opposite the street, and the guys were at the other side. Sung came over to where we were, and Sumi walked across the street to where Anthony was.

Yeh, you guessed right! Each of us had an escort!!! Anthony walked Sumi back the other direction and (poor) sung had to walk me back the opposite direction and then head back again the direction he came frmo. I felt so bad..!! Especially when there were ppl around and still cars on the road - it was just bout 1030pm. Not that late, street lamps bright...oh well. lol. Really made my day though.


So yeh, certain guys are good - don't generalize just cos you've met so many of them who're actually the opposites of 'good'. hahahaaa.. Yeh, standing up for the opposite sex and 'promoting' them once in a while when good things happen to you are worth it. I should think. =P

& me being me again, I'm always soooo long winded. DIdn't intend this post to be so long since I was supposed to post pics...but looks like it's ended up long again. And gonna be made longer with the pics. *sigh* Can never change my writing habits huh?

Actually, on second thoughts, i'll just post the pics in another entry. =)

Friday, August 17, 2007

"The Monday-Meal"

Plain and simple meal it was. Everyone got to the house after uni ended at 11am and I set off to cooking while the rest did last minute tute work before their respective tute classes. lol. I sure didn't know people did tute work on the day of the tute itself. Well, now i know. =D

So yeh, some of them were doing work, while some were fooling around and some were helping me prepare. Chicken wasn't really enough, and since I already mentioned how it shrunk after cleaning them of fat, after cooking them, they shrunk even more. Broccoli wasn't really enough either as 2 extra peeps joined us that day. Plates weren't enough as well (don't blame me ya..! When I moved into this apmt, there were only 7 plates provided) so bowls had to be used. Lol.

Was it a success?? I really don't know. Why dont you tell me. =)

Luckily there was joanne and may to help grill..or was it fry?..the chicken. Didn't think bout how long it would take to actually cook 8 pieces of chicken.. But managed to get everything done in less than an hour. Or was it?

Whew. Was such an experience. If i had tried doing that all alone, it would have been hectic preparing for so many ppl. But guess it was a good experience. You learn as you grow. Lol.

Thanks to those who helped out here and there; especially the clean up! Damn. Totally forgot to take a picture of jason washing up all the plates. Such an angel. hahahaa..! Hardly ever see guys doing the dishes. heh. And shi wei cleaned the whole stove. wow. Everyone was so cooperative and helpful, it almost felt as if we were in the midst of a 'gotong-royong'. hahahaah!

















guys foolin' around in my room...now i wonder if they opened my wardrobe in my absence..

















the ''homeworkers''

















the cooks and the intruder in white. lol

















the try-hard look alike chicken chop meal. hahahaa..wat a disaster. The best looking ones are the 2 plates from the left. They were all supposed to look like that but unfortunately, we ran out of ingredients

















us girls

















what gender is this...?

















all that was left of us

oooh yeh. Totally forgot to mention how sweet the guys were (dont get big-headed after reading this okayyy....!!). lol. I had my personal msg on msn as a complaint and jason asked me about it so I told him all about the hours it took to clean the chicken up! At first he laughed and nearly made me 'angry'. I was almost gonna say "You dare laugh some more..?!!" but before I could, he offered to come over to help and thanked/apologized a couple times. LOL. Then there was sung. He happened to read my blog (my complaining in the previous post) and actually called me up to ask if i needed help! Awwww. I was so.. "moved". AHhahaa.. Soo sincere. Gosh. =)

So yeh, that's about it for the meal.

Whose turn to cook next?!!?

Friday, August 10, 2007

NEVER EVER..

EVER EVER will i agree to cook againnnnnn...!!!!! Last week, my friend(s) was(were) asking where we were goin for lunch right after we were done with our lectures. And so, I told them I had to go home cos I already took my frozen fish out of the freezer to defrost it, thus, i couldnt join them for lunch that day. That simple question-answer lead to a topic about cooking and what is or has been cooking..and then..

Sung: hey, why don't you cook for us one day.. we'll go over to yr house for lunch.. make it monday!

Shi Wei: yeh.. Cook for us..!

Jason: yaaa..we'll go over to eat...!

Me: errrr......okkkk.... (thinking it'd be a chance to at least be able to cook for others - others as in more than one person!! Cos i used to cook for my housemate before we decided to cook individually)

The above conversation has been altered of course; don't expect me to remember the convo word for word rightt..

Anyway, I was supposed to cook last monday. But since i didnt go grocery shopping I decided to postpone it to this monday. Went grocery shopping earlier and bought all the things needed for my monday-meal. Am planning to cook a chicken-chop-like meal for them. For those of you who dunno what chicken chop is, it's actually a western meal - chicken with gravy over it and the usual side dishes like mixed vege & chips. But of course, I wouldnt be doing chips, hell no. I don't even have a wok at home and frying chips is just too messy. Neway, yes, i'll be cooking an improvisation of a chicken chop meal.

Got back, kept my things, dumped the big bag of chicken into the freezer (noticing that the plastic bag which contained the chicken was thinning dangerously..meaning it was QUITE heavy...meaning there were MANY pieces of chicken in it...meaning i had to cook for MANY people). So yeh. Dumped the chicken into the freezer for like 5 secs. And then realized I havent cleaned the chicken. Took it back out, took out the first piece....and............O.O (i dunno wat/how some ppl make that emoticon-lookin thing, im not sure if i've done it correctly but it's supposed to be a picture of a big, rounded-eyed person).

I was shocked. Ok. Not like i havent cleaned a chic before but everytime i buy chic, i dont recall seeing that much fat hanging all over it before!!! Shit. Looked into the bag. Realized that all the chicken fillets I've bought were identical to the first one i was holding onto. Felt like crying - literally. So then, I had no choice did I? Settled down to cleaning all 8 pieces of chicken. yes. EIGHT. It took me more than an hour to clean them all of fat and oil. STUPID DAMNED pieces of chicken. WHy did they have to have so much fat around them!? Not only around them but in the middle, and elsewhere!!! All bits and pieces of fat here and there. goshhh. I'll not be touching chicken for a few weeks again...

After cleaning them off, i swear the chicken shrunk in size and the fat which was holding the meat together ended up with holes and gaps in btw the meat. I hope those people would be full cos suddenly a piece of chic looks small. But i really dont give a damn now. After the whole process of cleaning and when i was FINALLY done with those, I decided to just finish with the rest. Might as well, since i was already on with it. So I washed carrots and broccoli and cut them all and stored them into containers for monday. So all i have left to do is just to cook. All preparations done! I ended at 10pm. And here I am typing this away after a shower.

My hands and fingers are all sore and rough and wrinkled and peeling now. Not exaggerating. Cos of the hours preparing and it was wet all the time, not to mention how hard it was cleaning eight pieces of chicken. My nails are all jagged and uneven now due to chicken-cleaning and hours of dampness causing them to be too soft, some just peeled.

GAaaahhhh!!!!! Not gonna agree to cook anymore!! Or maybe it's just the wrong meal to make. Or I just should have bought chic breast instead of chic fillet which doesnt have much fat. Or some guy shouldn't have brought this idea up then I wouldnt have had to cook in the first place. lol. This Monday-Meal better be a success or the people involved would have to pay for the time wasted just to clean chicken!!

PS. Pretty motivating though, as i can show off pictures later of what i've done..seemingly as I havent cooked meals at all back home, and here i am, gonna cook something for a bunch of people. Lol. How funny; my parents would laugh if they heard this.

Sunday, August 5, 2007

Some guyyss...*sigh*

Last night, my friends and I hung out at a pub after soooo long not hanging out in a group, much less after not meeting some of them for quite some time. We had good fun then headed to O' Connell to have supper. AB it was..yummm. Still don't get why it's called abortion though. Makes such a nice, yummy meal seem so....i-dont-know. Just wonder who came up with that name for a dish, of all names.....

Anyway! That's beside the point. The point is, before the food came up, I walked across the road to the O'Connell bakery shop to see if i could get a warm drink there (and also cos my friend was lookin for a toilet). After getting my drink and on the way back about to cross the street, there was this group of guys sitting down outside and one of them started talkin to me. At first I thought he was asking for directions and I obviously didnt really know the area around so i just shook my head and continued walking on, having to hurry after my friend who was walkin in front. Then I heard him call after saying "....bla bla..he's drunk..." (indicating to one of his friends..altho when i looked, the guy didnt seem drunk at all) Didn't really catch watever he was saying, cos all the time since the time he started talking, I was walking past (so imagine the whole conversation taking place in less than a few secs).

So yeh, I slowed down and paused a few steps away from them, wondering what he meant, whether it was help they needed or something.. *stupidly* I then went "huh? Sorry??" & he said "you're lookin good". BAH. At this point, i just turned on my heel and started walking away, not caring whatever they were on about. Those guys started calling out things at once as I walked quickly away to join my friend who was about to cross the street. Of all the things they were saying, I only caught one sentence and that was "what's your number?!".

I almost wanted to turn around and tell them, "You guys should get a life" before I crossed the street. But on second thoughts, they'd prolly walk over opposite and beat me up.

Australia isn't as different as it is in Malaysia. Although in Malaysia, it would be more disgusting cos there'd be malay guys involved and you don't feel safe at all considering all the rape/molest cases there are in Malaysia, so it's much much worse than it is over here. At least the guys who "disturb" you over here are way cuter too. LOL.

But then, in Malaysia, when any guy says a 'hello' to you as you walk by, you'll know what they're up to. Whereas in Australia, there are certain guys/men who just greet you out of the blue, and you wouldn't know what their intentions are cos some greetings are out of friendliness. That's just the difference.

Other than that....hell. Not much of a difference. A few months ago when i was into "intense" exercising (till i hurt my knee) and would go walking/jogging around torrens river at least 3 times a week, I came across this group of young boys on bicycles. I was brisk walkin, listening to music and enjoying nature around me, not paying much attention to the empty path ahead of me when these boys cycled past. I repeat, they were BOYS. Naturally, i glanced at them - i glance at everyone who comes in the opposite direction on my path cos usually the path would be empty...and that's what everyone would do right?! So yea, i just glanced at them to see if they were hot or anything (hahha..thats when i found out they were boys and lost interest immediately) not expecting anything to happen at all, when the one in front called out "heyy sexyyy..." as he cycled past.

Whooooaa...I almost stopped in my tracks for a minute there (but of course i didnt). THey were boys for goodness sake!!! 13-14 yrs of age maybe? Hell. That was just out of place man..! Lol. I was so surprised and instantly muttered to myself "Guys..." on a note of sarcasm. After that, I continued my walk with all thoughts about guys in Penang and guys in australia, like how im comparing them in this post now. Lol. That shout out totally reminded me and made me picture those really disgustingly horny malay guys back home....BRrrr..

SOme guys really just have nothing else better to do than to sit around and call out something to a girl who passes by. Esp those guys who would sit by gurney drive...penang ppl would know. SO saddening. They should get a life.

ANd I end here with another sarcastic note.

GUYS....!

*roll eyes*

Saturday, August 4, 2007

Changed...

......into someone I'm not.

I finally admit it. I've been trying to ignore it but guess it's becoming too clear even to myself. Dont know if the others might realize but i guess some wouldn't know the difference cos i try to be "normal" when I'm around ppl altho i wouldnt be feeling how i'd be acting. Seems blogging is good in a way where i could just type everything i'm thinking/feeling which I wouldnt feel exactly comfortable with if I tried explaining all this to someone. Sooo yeh. Good & easy way to express myself in one post without needing to wait for the other person to reply if i were to talk to someone regarding this. Does anybody even know what i'm tlkin about here?!


*sigh*

I really dont know what's been up with me. Ever since last sem exams, i've actually been feeling stressed. & depressed. Well, not all the time tho. But the exams really triggered that stress/depressed "hormones" and until now, it seems as tho they can't go away. But like i said, i dont feel that 24/7. Though it's been goin on more often than it should...For goodness sake, i even felt stressed during the mid-sem break!!! Who ever feels stressed out during holidays??!

I guess I was stressed cos i was scared of this sem...Last sem I had only 3 core subjects and 1 elective and that elective was sorta a "free" Distinction since i took up English as a Second Language. So, a total of 3 subjects and i was pretty stressed up already. This sem, I have altogether 4 core subjects, meaning it would be tougher. AND yea, i got stressed thinking about this sem during the holidays....Stupid of me but an idle mind really makes me think about more things than i should be thinking about....


So then, this sem, i've been trying to keep up with every lecture, reading up whatever topics which were going to be taught at lectures and doing tute work one week before the actual tute. Yes, you read correctly. I don't know what's got to me. I feel a sense of accomplishment being able to do everything according to schedule and discovering this really really hardworking and diligent side of me I never thought would become of me. Seriously, when i was in high school & college, i only studied when i had to - and that was before exams.

Believe me, i've always been a lazy girl. Lazy that i always needed to be nagged by parents to go study but not lazy enough that I don't do the day's homework. I was only lazy when it came to studying. But after i got into uni, i realized that if i did what i used to do (ie study only before exam) I wouldnt be able to hold up cos there was just too much to take it and studying last minute will just mean flunking everything.

Anyway, as i was saying, I do feel a sense of accomplishment and sometimes even feel proud cos I'm surprised at how hardworking i've become (which i've never been)...but then....it seems as though studying too much, trying to keep up and be right on schedule is just robbing me of other things which are more important. But if i do something else and neglect the books, i'd end up feeling stressed cos i didnt follow the schedule and have to rush to keep up with it.

So as a summary: I feel stressed out/depressed cos i don't have fun but feel accomplished when i've finished with 'tomorrow's lecture'....at the same time, i'd feel stressed out/depressed if i have fun and then have to rush to catch up. If you still don't get it, whichever i choose, i'd still end up feeling stressed out and unhappy......

And in the sense where i said i've changed into someone im not. Here's what i think has become of me lately:

- antisocial. I've become wayyy antisocial than i ever have been....Talking used to be my favourite thing to do but i hardly talk much these days (maybe cos im always spending my time at home)

- when i'm around friends in uni and if we do hang out after classes have ended for the day, i'd actually be thinking that i should get back to my books soon after hanging out

- i've kinda forgotten what "fun" means on the weekdays..& sometimes weekends if there's nothing on


- i feel "dead" and alone - i only dont feel that when i'm in uni and surrounded by ppl/friends

- i feel like i havent had a good laugh in ages. Wait....altho i really had fun the other night at the casino and laughed SO much then...but still feels as tho i havent laughed in a while

Sometimes i wish i had stayed in a hostel-like place instead. Cos that's where you'd have friends around you 24/7 and you're assured you could go around knocking on their doors when you need them. Although i've got friends but you cant just walk over to wherever they're staying just to unload yr feelings/thoughts or have good girl-talk sessions and then come back. They stay too far away..

& this is the point when you really feel it that your family's not around with you and the house isnt the same when there's absolutely no one talking and you're cooped up in yr room. sigh. No more mom/dad's voice talking on the phone in the background, no more nagging (altho a good thing but i guess some nagging could be used now to create some "noise" in an ever so quiet house), no more talking btw mom & dad, no more tv sounds in the background when dad watches whatever he'd be watching....no more sounds!!!! I'm living in a too-quiet house it's driving me crazy. (i hope my parents will never come across what i just said about them..lol)

SO yeh, i have loads more to say....but all i can say is i only feel in the dumps at certain times - altho happening too often now. There are other reasons as to why i've been feeling depressed/stressed as well. One of them is because i've been with the wrong group of friends at one point and there was just this negative & toxic energy that made me feel drained and uneasy when i was out with them. Thankfully tho, this sem i've managed to find out who my real friends are and obviously am able to get along with this group way better than the one i hung out with last sem.

The other reason why i'm feeling all stressed and depressed is because of my neighbour who's got.....(bla)......everyday. Well, almost everyday. I dont know why, but somehow i dont feel comfortable telling this out loud. Cos i'm NOT supposed to feel this way. But guess it's been going on since...EVER that it's starting to eat away at me a lil. It's prolly due to a bit of jealousy but i can handle that. It's just that....arghhh. You know how when you get too much of one thing, it just makes the whole situation worse than it seems? Okay. Now i dont know what i'm talking about.

And i should prolly go now before i say something i shouldnt reveal .....and before more and more depressing/stressing things are added into this releasing-depression & stress-post which I shouldnt have started with at all.

PS. Advice to all - when i was with the wrong group of friends, it made me realize how important the ppl you mixed with were...and how important friends are when you've found the right ppl you can actually click with and are able to be yourself with.. Pick those friends who're true to you no matter what, even if you 'abandon' them sometimes to other plans you have...Pick those who make you feel energised, confident & optimistic.. & once you've found them, cherish them cos it's not easy to find true friends and without them, you really are nowhere.

Friday, August 3, 2007

....shit.

Something happened last night.....I will not mention what but only a few know about it. Anyway this "something" made me realize something else which I have not realized...or maybe I've realized but i've been trying to brush it away thinking it wasn't a big deal but after last night, i guess it kind of hit me and shook me up, out of my senses. Again. Or more like..shook me to my senses?? I really dont know which anymore.

*sigh* I hate feeling this wayyy.....!!!! All confused and irrational and "scattered" (my thoughts that is)..not knowing what else to think. No..i dont want to go back to where i came from. But it seems like this is what i do best =S I'm sick and tired of it..! Yet i always find myself at that point i vowed not to go back to any longer.......

I actually felt sad & hurt..cos he wasn't there when i needed to talk to him last night. Altho he was at a friend's house..he told me he was "busy" when i asked if i could call at that time to talk. I knew he was not busy. Or maybe he was "busy" playing games and such. Too busy to be available for me it seemed. He's never there. Especially at times when i need him the most. Bah. Why do i bother sometimes?! I mean, when does he call?? He only calls when he's outside and has nothing to do at that moment, or when he's waiting for something or for some other reasons. I doubt his calls are sincerely because he wants to talk to me. Gosh. Which just means he's using me!!!!

I know, i know. I can be really dumb. And i mean really dumb. For those of you who know what i'm talking about...you know how i've been. Imagine wasting all that time away..when i could have been doin something else more...."beneficial"? Altho i dont know what would have seemed "beneficial" at that time.

But yeh. I know i deserve something more. I'm not dumb when it comes to this. But still, i AM dumb, cos even tho i know i deserve something more, i cant help but to allow those old feelings to come back and attack me! Sooo, at the end of the day, i guess i'm still dumb. -_- That summarizes my dumb-ness and why i'm still feeling this way sometimes. Ok. End of "dumb story".

WOULD SOMEBODY WAKE ME UP FROM THIS MADNESSSSSSSssssssss........................!!!!!!!

Why do i always have to go back to square one?!!! I'm just boosting his ego, his pride and his....guy-esteem!!!! (if there's even such a word) But yes, i do know what i'm doing! But i.can't.help.myself. I'm sooo weak that i cant prevent myself from doing whatever i'm "good" at doing. And that is to be honest with him whenver i have those "attacks" and blurt everything out and then regret it the next day when i realise i've just boosted his self ego and made him feel as tho he can have me back whenever he wishes.

ARgh! I cant be bothered about how much i expose in this post anymore!! I just feel sooooooooo FED-UP! With myself!!!!!!!! *sob in frustration*

SIGH. Really. I thought i'd be on my way. But it seems i'd always halt and turn back. Maybe cos i havent met anything interesting on my journey and that journey's just becoming too empty and barren. Or im just afraid of getting lost in the wilderness....I really dont know..There was a point when my journey was so interesting i just kept going. But who knew the flowers would be all wilted when i continued down the path?

............ =( Gotta get a grip on myself. I will NOT let him win this "war". Altho maybe it's just me fighting against myself. I wish I could read minds. Things would be so much easier if i could just read his.