Changed...

......into someone I'm not.

I finally admit it. I've been trying to ignore it but guess it's becoming too clear even to myself. Dont know if the others might realize but i guess some wouldn't know the difference cos i try to be "normal" when I'm around ppl altho i wouldnt be feeling how i'd be acting. Seems blogging is good in a way where i could just type everything i'm thinking/feeling which I wouldnt feel exactly comfortable with if I tried explaining all this to someone. Sooo yeh. Good & easy way to express myself in one post without needing to wait for the other person to reply if i were to talk to someone regarding this. Does anybody even know what i'm tlkin about here?!

*sigh*

I really dont know what's been up with me. Ever since last sem exams, i've actually been feeling stressed. & depressed. Well, not all the time tho. But the exams really triggered that stress/depressed "hormones" and until now, it seems as tho they can't go away. But like i said, i dont feel that 24/7. Though it's been goin on more often than it should...For goodness sake, i even felt stressed during the mid-sem break!!! Who ever feels stressed out during holidays??!

I guess I was stressed cos i was scared of this sem...Last sem I had only 3 core subjects and 1 elective and that elective was sorta a "free" Distinction since i took up English as a Second Language. So, a total of 3 subjects and i was pretty stressed up already. This sem, I have altogether 4 core subjects, meaning it would be tougher. AND yea, i got stressed thinking about this sem during the holidays....Stupid of me but an idle mind really makes me think about more things than i should be thinking about....

So then, this sem, i've been trying to keep up with every lecture, reading up whatever topics which were going to be taught at lectures and doing tute work one week before the actual tute. Yes, you read correctly. I don't know what's got to me. I feel a sense of accomplishment being able to do everything according to schedule and discovering this really really hardworking and diligent side of me I never thought would become of me. Seriously, when i was in high school & college, i only studied when i had to - and that was before exams.

Believe me, i've always been a lazy girl. Lazy that i always needed to be nagged by parents to go study but not lazy enough that I don't do the day's homework. I was only lazy when it came to studying. But after i got into uni, i realized that if i did what i used to do (ie study only before exam) I wouldnt be able to hold up cos there was just too much to take it and studying last minute will just mean flunking everything.

Anyway, as i was saying, I do feel a sense of accomplishment and sometimes even feel proud cos I'm surprised at how hardworking i've become (which i've never been)...but then....it seems as though studying too much, trying to keep up and be right on schedule is just robbing me of other things which are more important. But if i do something else and neglect the books, i'd end up feeling stressed cos i didnt follow the schedule and have to rush to keep up with it.

So as a summary: I feel stressed out/depressed cos i don't have fun but feel accomplished when i've finished with 'tomorrow's lecture'....at the same time, i'd feel stressed out/depressed if i have fun and then have to rush to catch up. If you still don't get it, whichever i choose, i'd still end up feeling stressed out and unhappy......

And in the sense where i said i've changed into someone im not. Here's what i think has become of me lately:

- antisocial. I've become wayyy antisocial than i ever have been....Talking used to be my favourite thing to do but i hardly talk much these days (maybe cos im always spending my time at home)

- when i'm around friends in uni and if we do hang out after classes have ended for the day, i'd actually be thinking that i should get back to my books soon after hanging out

- i've kinda forgotten what "fun" means on the weekdays..& sometimes weekends if there's nothing on

- i feel "dead" and alone - i only dont feel that when i'm in uni and surrounded by ppl/friends

- i feel like i havent had a good laugh in ages. Wait....altho i really had fun the other night at the casino and laughed SO much then...but still feels as tho i havent laughed in a while

Sometimes i wish i had stayed in a hostel-like place instead. Cos that's where you'd have friends around you 24/7 and you're assured you could go around knocking on their doors when you need them. Although i've got friends but you cant just walk over to wherever they're staying just to unload yr feelings/thoughts or have good girl-talk sessions and then come back. They stay too far away..

& this is the point when you really feel it that your family's not around with you and the house isnt the same when there's absolutely no one talking and you're cooped up in yr room. sigh. No more mom/dad's voice talking on the phone in the background, no more nagging (altho a good thing but i guess some nagging could be used now to create some "noise" in an ever so quiet house), no more talking btw mom & dad, no more tv sounds in the background when dad watches whatever he'd be watching....no more sounds!!!! I'm living in a too-quiet house it's driving me crazy. (i hope my parents will never come across what i just said about them..lol)

SO yeh, i have loads more to say....but all i can say is i only feel in the dumps at certain times - altho happening too often now. There are other reasons as to why i've been feeling depressed/stressed as well. One of them is because i've been with the wrong group of friends at one point and there was just this negative & toxic energy that made me feel drained and uneasy when i was out with them. Thankfully tho, this sem i've managed to find out who my real friends are and obviously am able to get along with this group way better than the one i hung out with last sem.

The other reason why i'm feeling all stressed and depressed is because of my neighbour who's got.....(bla)......everyday. Well, almost everyday. I dont know why, but somehow i dont feel comfortable telling this out loud. Cos i'm NOT supposed to feel this way. But guess it's been going on since...EVER that it's starting to eat away at me a lil. It's prolly due to a bit of jealousy but i can handle that. It's just that....arghhh. You know how when you get too much of one thing, it just makes the whole situation worse than it seems? Okay. Now i dont know what i'm talking about.

And i should prolly go now before i say something i shouldnt reveal .....and before more and more depressing/stressing things are added into this releasing-depression & stress-post which I shouldnt have started with at all.

PS. Advice to all - when i was with the wrong group of friends, it made me realize how important the ppl you mixed with were...and how important friends are when you've found the right ppl you can actually click with and are able to be yourself with.. Pick those friends who're true to you no matter what, even if you 'abandon' them sometimes to other plans you have...Pick those who make you feel energised, confident & optimistic.. & once you've found them, cherish them cos it's not easy to find true friends and without them, you really are nowhere.