this is it.

Ok yes, i know i'm supposed to be at the state library finishing off my tute work right now but i just had to let this nagging feeling off my chest.

It's been a long day.

......or shall i say a looong night.

Something totally unexpected happened. And i wasn't exactly bracing myself for this before. So it hit me quite hard. It was a blow. Well......sort of.

We got into talkin last night, talks we hadnt had for a while. The funny thing was, he didn't mention ANYTHING close to what i found out..even though i was askin him questions regarding that topic.

The topic: our love lives

All the while, i thought he didnt have any. Hence, when i asked him about it and i got negative responses i just didnt really bother and started tellin him about my love life.

And yeh. As usual, when it comes to liking a guy, i always get confused. Sometimes im very sure i like this or that guy, but usually the 'very sure' doesnt work out after a while. Neway that's besides the point. My point is.. it is just totally difficult to really like someone. I either like someone half-heartedly & get so confused over it, or i like someone whole-heartedly but can never get them. The latter i'm always frustrated about. Maybe i'm jinxed.

Now, straight to the point. I like this guy. But he's under the category of the "half-hearted". I was tellin him everythin & once i was done, i guess he saw it as an exchange of stories & that's how i found out about this mutual feeling thingy that's gone on with a girl. SO he's one step closer to having a gf. I, on the other hand, am ten miles closer to having a bf.

I guess, it's not such a biggie. Since i actually DO like someone now (but somehow, i know it's not gonna work out..precisely because of me). But the thought that i'm gonna lose him forever and for real now to another girl...that thought left me distraught last night. I dont know why. I always thought i didnt care anymore, that i was over him & all (that's when i wonder if i've been lying to myself). But somehow, when these things happen, this weird feeling comes back. Maybe im too used to havin him around, or maybe i'm just selfish & jealous that he's getting it all before me when i'm the one who had to go thru way more than he did (meaning to say he doesn't deserve it). Yeh, i'd prolly say it's being selfish & jealous.

I was distraught cos i was thinking all sorts of things like how much he'd love her if they eventually got together. Whether he'd stop smoking for her or do more things for her than he ever did for me. gosh. ok. I should stop all this cos watever it is, i'm still at the losing end. So no point talkin about this & then gettin all emo about it.

*deep breath*

Watever it is, i guess this is a chance for me to really move on. Knowing that he's gonna be taken so i wont be 'clinging' on with the fairytale hope of being together again. (i think my life revolves around too much drama, that's why it's so difficult??) But yeh, this is it. Time to really really really move on. I wonder how many times i've said that before. lol. But i know deep down, one day i will. I'll find someone better and i can kiss that *** goodbye. A real goodbye. And at that time in future, he's gonna have to return me that little piece of my heart he still has with him right now.

Oh what am i crapping about?

I'm supposed to be doing tute work!!!

But yeh. Now i know what this quote means: 'Love is loving when you're hurting'. I saw it on a friend's personal message a while ago & it totally caught my eye.