the big red question mark

There's ALWAYS a point in life when you just dont know what you want.

Whether it's to

study course A or B,
take up job A or B,
eat at place A or B,
get guy A or B,
watch movie A or B,
wear clothes A or B,
buy thing A or B,

and the list goes on and on and on.

There are so many DECISIONS to make in life that sometimes i wonder WHY we have to make them. Ok, maybe we havta make them to get one step further in life; and maybe life wouldn't be so boring since we all get to make our own decisions rather than have a list of rules/decisions set out for us to follow. Great. I could answer my own question...

STILL, sometimes i wonder WHY we have to make them!!!

Decision-making is so bloody annoying sometimes esp if it befalls a poor decision-maker. A decision-maker with the name Jennifer. Have you heard of that tale before about how she was one of the worst decision-makers in the entire blue-green globe?? I'm sure you've heard the story before, somehow. Well, im not sure how the ending to that tale goes, but i really hope Jennifer would improve on her decision-making skills & find her way home. Otherwise, decision-making monsters would gobble her up as they can smell poor decision-makers from afar & hunger for themmmm. GRRRRrrrrr.

Ok. Lame story. Moving on.

I'm glad to say tho, i've already gone thru most of the stuff i've listed on that list. Even if it means having to go thru them again, once in a while, the lil, lil stuff like eating at place A or B, I am SO glad the major things have passed. The big headache like taking course A or B etc. But i know there'll be more major decisions to come... Well if i didnt have one right now, I wouldnt have started on this entry in the first place, right?

this is it.

Ok yes, i know i'm supposed to be at the state library finishing off my tute work right now but i just had to let this nagging feeling off my chest.

It's been a long day.

......or shall i say a looong night.

Something totally unexpected happened. And i wasn't exactly bracing myself for this before. So it hit me quite hard. It was a blow. Well......sort of.

We got into talkin last night, talks we hadnt had for a while. The funny thing was, he didn't mention ANYTHING close to what i found out..even though i was askin him questions regarding that topic.

The topic: our love lives

All the while, i thought he didnt have any. Hence, when i asked him about it and i got negative responses i just didnt really bother and started tellin him about my love life.

And yeh. As usual, when it comes to liking a guy, i always get confused. Sometimes im very sure i like this or that guy, but usually the 'very sure' doesnt work out after a while. Neway that's besides the point. My point is.. it is just totally difficult to really like someone. I either like someone half-heartedly & get so confused over it, or i like someone whole-heartedly but can never get them. The latter i'm always frustrated about. Maybe i'm jinxed.

Now, straight to the point. I like this guy. But he's under the category of the "half-hearted". I was tellin him everythin & once i was done, i guess he saw it as an exchange of stories & that's how i found out about this mutual feeling thingy that's gone on with a girl. SO he's one step closer to having a gf. I, on the other hand, am ten miles closer to having a bf.

I guess, it's not such a biggie. Since i actually DO like someone now (but somehow, i know it's not gonna work out..precisely because of me). But the thought that i'm gonna lose him forever and for real now to another girl...that thought left me distraught last night. I dont know why. I always thought i didnt care anymore, that i was over him & all (that's when i wonder if i've been lying to myself). But somehow, when these things happen, this weird feeling comes back. Maybe im too used to havin him around, or maybe i'm just selfish & jealous that he's getting it all before me when i'm the one who had to go thru way more than he did (meaning to say he doesn't deserve it). Yeh, i'd prolly say it's being selfish & jealous.

I was distraught cos i was thinking all sorts of things like how much he'd love her if they eventually got together. Whether he'd stop smoking for her or do more things for her than he ever did for me. gosh. ok. I should stop all this cos watever it is, i'm still at the losing end. So no point talkin about this & then gettin all emo about it.

*deep breath*

Watever it is, i guess this is a chance for me to really move on. Knowing that he's gonna be taken so i wont be 'clinging' on with the fairytale hope of being together again. (i think my life revolves around too much drama, that's why it's so difficult??) But yeh, this is it. Time to really really really move on. I wonder how many times i've said that before. lol. But i know deep down, one day i will. I'll find someone better and i can kiss that *** goodbye. A real goodbye. And at that time in future, he's gonna have to return me that little piece of my heart he still has with him right now.

Oh what am i crapping about?

I'm supposed to be doing tute work!!!

But yeh. Now i know what this quote means: 'Love is loving when you're hurting'. I saw it on a friend's personal message a while ago & it totally caught my eye.

...wow.

[Based on your drawing and the 10 answers you gave this is a summary of your personality:

You are sensitive and indecisive at times. You are a freedom lover and a strong person. You love your house and family. You are a gifted artist as well. Once you have a problem, you need a friend with you. You are a very tidy person. There's nothing wrong with that because you're pretty popular among friends. Your life is always full of changes.

You will avoid being alone and seek the company of others whenever possible. You love excitement and create it wherever you go. You have a strong personality and you like to command, influence and control people.

You added a flower into your drawing. The flower signifies that you long for love. It's also safe to say that others don't see you as a flirt. You don't think much about yourself.]

I have to say, this is pretty damn accurate!!!! I was bored, so as usual, i googled the word 'bored' and surfed my way thru interesting things till i came across this thing about where you had to draw a house. I'm sure some of you have done it before.

So then, i decided to draw my house and then answered the questions based on my drawing....and ta-daaa. I got the results. How amazing actually. I wonder who came up with this....it's really accurate. Well, maybe except the part which goes "You have a strong personality and you like to command, influence and control people". lol. This one, i really dont know. You need a leader in you to be able to do this.

Ah well, why dont you try it out and see if it's accurate for you or that about the same things will be said bout you as it did for me!?

here's the link:
http://www.drawahouse.com/

ENJOY!

It's a SATURDAY night...!!

............and what am i doing?

i'm at home with nothing to do.

I'M SO BORED!!!!!

We were supposed to go out tonite but the plan was cancelled cos the planner took off and went with his friends instead. lol. So then, leaving us with the night 'on our hands'.

Chastine, joanne and me.

and what do you get when there's us 3?

You get NOWHERE! gahahaha.

Just because we're such lousy decision-makers.

We wanted to go out. Cos it's saturday. And cos uni's gonna start soon...indicating we should party to the max before hitting the books. Discussed online. For about 30 minutes.....and ended up staying at home cos we couldnt make a decision on where to go or what to do. I guess it's adelaide's fault as well. Ah well.

So there goes my saturday night.

At least i managed to ease some boredome as well as waste a few of my free minutes calling a college dude who just went over to melb. lol. I know. Lame. But then it's better than having my free minutes accumulating everytime i recharge my phone. Then it'll be like..what, 200-300 over minutes?? I never could use up all my free minutes. It's always sucha waste. So i try to use them the best i can. Ah, we'll see how this year goes. I think i had over 300 minutes left before i went back to penang last year. That's about 5 hours of talktime wasted.

AND obviously, this entry is cos im bored atm and have nothin to do. Imagine, tlkin about free minutes! How lame could i get?! lol. okok. i feel like crappin bout more stuff but then this entry'll just be some ridiculous one which is full of irrelevant stuff.

So, goodnight!

just a lil question.

what the hell is true love??

is it sacrificing not to be with someone or doin everythin it takes to be with 'em?


I've been havin this as my personal message on msn; and the more i stare at it, the more confused i get. But somehow. Whatever the reason, i know deep down inside me that the second option is what i'd really call true love. No matter what. Ok, but having to be fair, i guess this only goes for when two ppl are in love with each other. I dont know about other circumstances. Other circumstances might opt for the first one. But yeh. If two ppl want each other, it should be the second option. And that's doing everything it takes.

Oh, what am i trying to prove?

the 11 guymandments.

ahaa. am finally back with an update after a long long time. Since friends are leaving one by one and there's nothin much to do anymore, i decided to get on with the "you've been tagged, list 8 things you'd want in yr lover" or somethin like that (tagged by ee lin). But then, i just couldnt be bothered following the rules & stuff so i thought i'd just do it my own way and not bother tagging others or watever. Just too much trouble. =P

SO yeh.

The 11 things I want in a guy

1. A family oriented guy. Most guys who are family oriented will treat their girl much better if compared to some guy who doesn’t care bout his family. Who knows, if I get married to this kinda guy he’d be good at some housework from helping his mom out?? A family oriented guy would also be more caring and life would just be much better after marriage. (yeh I’m askin myself why I included so many ‘marry-ish’ words..).
2. He must not be a coward in expressing emotions or be prideful. The guy I want needs to be able to express his emotions. Not overboard though. To the extent that he can tell me what he thinks/feels at given circumstances. He won’t be that kinda guy who would act as a totally different person in front of his friends. I want that guy who isn’t afraid of PDA (Public Display of Affection). But then again, not overboard. The most important thing of all is that he’s able to admit his mistakes & apologize. He’d better lose his pride to the girl he loves & not be that guy who would lose a girl he loves because of his pride. I despise those kinds.
3. a religious guy, preferably of the same faith. Not super holy. As long as he goes to church and prays on normal days, he’s good enough. At least I’ll know there’s a path that ‘lights his way’ rather than if he didn’t have any path at all.
4. I NEED a guy with a sense of humour. After all, laughter is the best medicine. I adore a guy who’d make me laugh all the time. Especially a guy who’d be able to be playful & childish at times, acting cute & throwin a tantrum if I did anything he didn’t like. I somehow love that cos it brings out the ‘child’ in him and it just makes me laugh at how silly-cute they can get.
5. He has to be good in sports, can sing, likes music and plays musical instruments. I don’t know why but these things are just essential. Prolly cos they’re my interests so if my guy has these, we’re able to share my passions. Oh, and he needs to have those naturally. Meaning he shouldn’t go for any training or deliberately start playing different kinds of sports just to become good at them; he needs to be a natural.
6. I want a guy who’s a good listener. Someone who doesn’t mind sitting there while I unload my burden onto him. Hopefully he’ll be a good adviser as well but a good listener’s more important. I want someone who can listen to my stories and share his own stories of the day.
7. A generous guy in heart & with his money is the best. The guy who can be kind and compassionate with others and does charity once in a while. Stingy guys are such a no-no. I want a guy who’s able to spend money lavishly on me. Nah, there’s a difference between loving and spoiling. Spending money lavishly doesn’t need to be “spoiling me”.
8. Hopefully he doesn’t have any bad habits like stuffing his face and overeating, smoking, eating junk food & drinking excess alcohol... yada yada. You get me. Hopefully he’s one who watches after himself & his health. Someone who’s responsible enough to know what he does affects his surroundings and not just himself.
9. I want a guy who is romantic & passionate. It’s a must. Things will always be exciting and married life wont be so dull and boring. He doesn’t havta be romantic in the sense of buying gifts and sweet stuff when I least expect it, but being romantic in the sense that he can do things out of his way for me when I least expect it. All sorts of small insignificant things can be romantic other than buying gifts or having a candlelit dinner.
10. He has to be a provider. A guy with a good & steady career who can provide for the family. That’s where money will be used to go traveling too… and buying a nice furnished home and owning cars like err…….nvm.
11. Last but not least, he’s gotta be a guy who’d love me with all his heart & soul. This means treating me with respect, being loyal and trustworthy. He’d better be one to think twice before doing anything that would hurt me – physically or emotionally. A guy who’d curse often is a no-no especially if he curses ME if I did anything wrong and made him angry. A guy who applies physical pain is even worse. He’s just gotta be someone really human & loving. He needs to be the person who'd do watever it takes to be with me no matter what the circumstance.

Anddddd..after all these 11 things, it seems almost impossible for me to get a guy now. lol. Maybe i should lower my expectations and make my criteria a little less.... strict? But that'll never happen. Maybe that's the reason why i havent dated any other guy up till today, when i could easily manouevre my way around guys and get at least 5 boyfriends by now...

yeh i know im just tlkin big, ignore me. after all self praise is no praise. Or like what someone said, self praise is self confidence ;) lmao.

sigh.

I just watched The Notebook. Yeh i know i'm pretty outdated....but i gotta say that movie is heaps better than A Walk To Remember. Cried like shit. At least the movie has a happy ending & not a sad ending like how it was with walk to rmb.

Watching that movie triggered something inside me though....Something about the storyline brought back unpleasant memories..... Memories that left that scar.... When anything at all happens which has the slightest link to it, everything will come crashing back to me again, the past relived. So i've come to the conclusion: the scar is always gonna be there, will always be there & the mark will always be like adding salt to the wound whenever i watch/hear/sense (whatever) anything at all which has a link to my past. It'll never go away. Even if I think it's already gone away.

I'm either blind or ignorant...or maybe i just dont like to have something new unless i actually find something(someone?) i really really like, knowing how picky i am & having to match every trait of his to see if that person matches up to those things he has. Blind in the sense i cant see anyone else although there are so many more out there or it's just my stubborn heart. Ignorant in the sense that there are so many others who are interested but i just cant seem to accept them. Not even one. Maybe there's just something wrong with me.

Then there's this question i always ask myself - if i tell him/myself i'm over him, why do little "linking situations" like this still make those memories flood back as if someone was having me go thru the past again???