Contradiction.

I wanna be with you
If only for a night
To be the one who's in your arms
Who holds you tight...
I wanna be with you
There's nothing more to say
There's nothing else I want more than to feel this way
I wanna be with you.........


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


.........at the same time i don't wanna be with you......

just cos you're not worth it...

so then, why do i still wanna be with you!?

decisions, decisions.............

such a bad decision maker ---> me

At the end of the day, i'll end up at the same point: wanting to be with you yet not wanting to at the same time.

what 'joy'.

sigh.

WOooooSAaaaA...........

I hate it everytime i stress......................!!!!

It's SO hard to get myself together....everything just seems like it's falling apart!

I used to be a "stressor" back home everytime nearing the exams or when there'd be assignments due etc...but the stress levels have gotten SO much worse over here to the point of breaking down. Prolly cos parents aren't around to manage things & you gotta manage everything on your own! Laundry, food, trasportation (walking takes up time you know!) & their mere presence which would somehow calm things down a bit??? You don't stress as much when you're around ppl than when you're by yourself!

Aaahhhhhh......!!

Ok, ok. No point stressing. It'll mess up my hormones & just make me more sick than I am right now. But why cant I not stress.. or rather, HOW do i not stress!? *sniff*

This is insane stressing. I should take one step at a time, one day at a time & not look to the future..............

Who cares if exam starts on the 3rd of november & that the syllabus for all 4 subjects only finishes 2 weeks before exam (ridiculous aint it!?)..& that there'd be only one study week right after that?!

HOW CAN I NOT CARE????????????

*faint*

On the brighter side, at least i finish early & can even go back right after the paper if i want to on the 10th...

Sucha waste tho. I wanted to celebrate my birthday here!! But it seems exam ends earlier than anticipated. If i stayed back to celebrate my birthday, most of them would have already gone back, seemingly as we're all doing the same course (& everyone would wanna rush home as soon as they can) & I would be staying back another 6 'wasted' days...As for the rest, they'd be having their exams during that period so...................hmm...no point staying back....???

AHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhh...I just cant wait to go homeeeeee!! AFter alll the stress & 'hardship' of living on my own.. I need to be pampered!!! With good (expensive) food...a nice, clean & cosy home with my own beloved room i didnt think i'd miss....my friendss...gurney!!! & GSC...the car!!!!!!............& the club! Gosh. Need to go swimming/gym everyday & burn off everything i piled on over here the 2-3months i'm back! It's not impossible!!

YAY! I can't wait to go back now.....!!!!

BRING IT ON, EXAMS! I'LL FACE YOU HEAD-ON!!

wooohooo!

If only i'll continue to feel this optimistic tomoro onwards til i'm done with the papers.....

SLIM CHANCE!

Thank You God for Everything!!

From TWO dilemmas........


to ZERO dilemma.


......in just a little more than 2 hours.


I feel so free!!!!


& so relieved....


....& so grateful for everything.


*sigh in contentment*

blessings.....that lead to a dilemma??

My group of friends has grown in sem 2 compared to sem 1 & i reeeally really can't thank god enough for answering my prayers & letting me meet really awesome people I can really 'connect' with.

The problem now isss....

How do you split yourself into 3 pieces (or more) according to different groups of friends...??? Things would be wayy easier if i could just merge them all??? That way all of us would be mutual friends & the entire group would hang out altogether & there wouldnt be any hassle & everyone would be in "harmony". But things in life don't just happen so easily, do they??? I wish they did.....

Merging everyone together is possible, but would everyone click with one another?? That's the reason why I have different groups of friends in uni itself cos people just have different personalities, different preferences, tastes, differerent things in common!! At the end of the day, the merged group (IF all were to be merged) would somehow just stick to the people which have got similar tastes as they do..& the group would go back to square one, all split accordingly. Am i right??!! Oh gosh.

FRUSTRATED

I LOVE MY FRIENDSssssssssssssss...!!!!

I really do. Friends are like the most important ppl besides family...Ppl who know me well would know how i cherish my friends.

If i could split myself, things would be fine!

Why do i feel guilty?! It feels as if i'm not spending enough time with one group of friends than the other or another....argh!! Is it me, or is it them...? I am so cluelesss..!! I seem to not know what is happening with group A these days. Prolly cos it's partially my fault since i'm just soo lazy to chat on msn these days unless ppl click on me. yeh yeh *roll eyes* i admit i've become one of those ppl i couldnt really stand (cos you gotta always click on them before they actually tlk to you). lol.

Neway yeh. My concept in things now is that I'll hang out with whomever asks me out first. Group B has things going on most of the time, so i've been hanging out with group B often these days, but that doesnt mean i've neglected group A. Cos i know i havent. BUt i dont know why i get this feeling that they think i've neglected them or something =\ oh gosh. help meeeeee...!! I mean, i'm tryinggg... I'm trying to split my time, so i can accommodate them all & not seem like the bad person..like i'm choosing group B or C over group A, or that i'm choosing group A over group C...whatever it is!!!

EE LIN, PRAS...whoemverrrrrrrrrrrr..Am i doing the right thing?? Gosh, please tell me, cos i really dont know if this tactic is the right thing to do... *sob*

This has no relevance whatsoever, but after anthony's death, i feel like i've become so emo, a lil thing which happens just triggers my emotions & makes me depressed, or stressed or frustrated so easily. I hate feeling this way... But how do you keep everyone close to you when you have to manage a few groups at once..?

I really do not know...

I think i'll just go with the flow...

Yep, that's what i'll do.

I just don't want any miscommunications or misunderstandings that i always choose one group over the other group.

Yes??




..................









CONFUSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

swollen eyes..a heavy heart....but nothing can bring him back......

How could someone die like this.....?? He got knocked down by someone... It wasn't even his fault...!! That's the worst thing EVER. A hit and run......... That *&%$# person cost his life just like that...!!!

What's wrong with ppl in this world these days???? Why do they do things that are out of this...thinking or just totally out of what a human mind is able to make out?!? Why do they have brains when they do things which are just unthinkable??!

Oh gosh.....I still can't really believe it... An innocent life........Everything just seems so unfair at this point...

Sigh...now that he's gone, i think about him more than ever...and it hurts to think that i'll never get to talk to him anymore.....

...............the tears will keep flowing everytime i think about him...............................

One lesson i learned from this is that we should never take anything for granted.....

Life is just too short...

Life is short and unpredictable.....

*sigh*...i don't even know how to begin.. Everything still seems as though it's a lie..but if it was really a lie.......i wouldnt be crying my eyes out.........

I was checking my mail and there was one with the subject "prayer for anthony". I knew it wasnt good, but what i had in mind was that he had some kinda illness or is admitted into hospital due to something...Clicked on the link to open the mail, feeling sorta worried with what was wrong with him......

I was TOTALLY not prepared for what the whole thing was all about...

Read the first sentence....and........i felt my heart break and plummet to my stomach...It was so sudden, i wasn't prepared, i never knew such a thing could happen to somebody i knew and was so close to, somebody i used to share part of my life with. I was too shocked to cry, I kept reading the sentence over and over again till it made sense and then the tears flowed... It couldnt be trueee............................!!!!!!!

.....but i guess i can't lie to myself and believe he's still living in this world when he's passed away.................

sigh. What is god's plan exactly......??? He's just 30..a whole life ahead of him and .. i dont even know how/what happened!! Knocked down by a car accident? What, was he in the car? Or crossing the road when some stupid driver knocked him??! Whose fault was it?!!

OMG!! It feels so unreal!! How could he be......... ='( I find it so hard to believe......................... I keep thinking i'd meet up with him one day..which is what i've always wondered...when we'd ever meet up...It looks like we'll never meet again............

Anthony used to be the bass guitarist in Young Praisers, the church band i'm in...we used to have loads of fun, he was always the crazy guy, cracking lots of stupid jokes..although he was the eldest among all, he acted our age...He was always there..a good listener and advisor...I loved him. Everybody did....He had to stop playing for YP cos he had to move to KL to work and I never got to see him every weekend anymore at church.....We'd always keep in touch on the phone, he'd call now and then and we'd chat for an hour on the phone, talking about nonsense, but he'd always make me hang up with a big stupid smile on my face. I would always be wondering when he'd hav a business trip down to penang or a leave or whatever from work....he hardly goes down to penang ever since he moved to KL due to being SO busy at work...We only met up once when he went down to penang and that was like....2005??! Didn't see him ever since......never gonna be able to see him anymore. Why, why....why does this have to happen....I don't understand.........=(

I can't accept this.......!!!!!!! The last conversation we had on the phone was before I came here in january... I get fwded emails from him occasionally. I can't imagine having everything about him suddenly gone from my life. How could it?!! I never got to tell him that I think about him sometimes and miss him..although miles away... gosh. I havent seen him for soo long....!!! Why couldnt I just meet him again before he goes??

My nose is so stuffed I have to breathe thru my mouth and my eyes feel so swollen... but all this doesnt make my heart feel whole although it's said that crying makes things better.........W-H-Y... I don't think i'll ever understand why.. If only god could tell me why...

sigh.

May his soul rest in peace.......

PS. When things like this happen...(this is the first time someone so dear to me has left me.. not taking into account grandparents...those are natural deaths/deaths due to old age...but such sudden deaths.............this is the first..and i hope it's the one and only....) it really shakes me up to realise how someone next to you could just go in a blink of an eye. You dont know when at all it could happen..........

To all my friends out there...i know nothing's gonna happen to you, it better not. But if ( again, it better not..ever ever) god decides to take you away... know that you ppl mean a lot.. & i mean A LOT to me. Without you, my life would be nothing. Each one of you contributes something to make life fuller and prettier. I dont know what I'd do without you guys!! Love y'all lots......

& i think i'm going blind at this stage...

yahooooo..!!!

Happy happy!

I bought a new camera today! Lol. Feels so unreal actually having a new camera already.. i bought it so quick...hehehh..But i dont think i'll be able to survive till november to go back and buy, so decided to just get it today since one shop still has the father's day promotion on.

I am now the proud owner of a Canon Ixus 70.

woohoo..!!!

& i really hope & pray that no other series of unfortunate camera events will befall me....The first camera i had, an Olympus brand, only lasted for bout 3 years when something happened to it and it got spoiled on its own. The screen actually went static. Or whatever it's called. It had those black and white lines...as in how a TV would have if there's something wrong with the signal and stuff. Stupid camera. Boycotted Olympus since that incident.

Then the second camera............my A540 Canon PowerShot............sigh. Still so sad & guilty thinking about it. But at least I already told my parents, so burden off my shoulders. Of course, mom sorta 'shouted' and i don't blame her cos i was 'shouting' myself in my heart all this while. lol. It's just one year old. Argh.. yeah still very frustrated. ONE YEAR OLDDddddddd!!!!

okok.. Now, my new & third camera. I hope this camera will last me at least 10 years or around there. I hope I'll use it to the fullest before something happens to it and it gets spoiled by itself or it gets spoiled due to some human carelessness. AT least more than 5 years..if it doesnt last more than 5 years..........gahhh!! no-no. After all i've been thru with cameras, it better last me a great deal of time. Preferably until i get married and have at least one kid.

Canon Ixus 70, make sure you survive till I'm 30!

oooh..! look at how good i'm at at rhymes!

My whipped-up theory

This was written on thursday, 23rd august......except for some explanations included at current time.

This morning, after classes ended (well, not really since I have tute at 2pm later) I decided to go to Torrens, supposedly the main plan was to brisk walk since i havent really done much exercise these days, but the plan made a whole turn & i went home to get my rosary instead.

Headed over to torrens & tried to find a secluded & quiet spot where i could really pray & have no distractions but it seems as if the river bank is a rather popular spot. Couples under trees cuddling and doin their thing, friends sitting around chit-chatting, joggers jogging by (at 12 stg noon!)...it took me a while to choose a spot further away from the rest of the world.

As i settled down to pray tho, there weren't really ppl distractions but animal distractions instead (those quack-quack creatures). So instead of praying the whole rosary, i only ended up with one decade. So much for my intentions. Resolved to writing in the end.

It's a really good place to think and reflect.. & the weather is just so fantastic today. A light breeze & sunny..with nature all around you (minus the ppl distractions)..So perfect & peaceful.

Anyway, i've been trying to think about stg that would link my thoughts to the fruits (the previous blog titled 'random'). It's kind of true how some things happen in the weirdest & contrasting ways. Something supposedly big could end up small (like the apple) & stg which is supposed to be small, ends up big (the strawberry).

If life uses the theory of the apple & strawberry, everything would be right. We could make big problems small....& the little things which we overlook sometimes could be made more important & significant.

I guess human nature somehow makes us think problems as big things; even if they arent, we make it big by worrying about it, stressing about it, feeding so much attention to it that a small problem becomes big. But what if we decide to take the other course and not feed our problems with "nutrients"?? It might just shrink & be smaller than its supposed size, & yet it'll still be the same ol' problem (that apple tasted just like any other apple double its size neway). Conclusion is, a problem will still be a problem no matter what. The difference is that we can either choose to feed it with attention & use up our positive energy doing so, or we can choose to do stg more productive with our feelings & time.

That leads to the strawberry. Things which are small...things we hardly think about doing or simply things we forget about. If we 'enlarge' a small thing and make it big, it'd be more fruitful & it makes you feel fuller. For instance, sitting by the river like that & writing (this is the first time doin such actually) makes me feel heaps better than if i were to be spending this time in the library reading up on my law assignment instead. We should be doing the things we hardly do more often...like spending time with friends & having heart-to-heart talk or just merely anything more productive that would make the small bigger (little important things) & the big smaller (petty problems).

At the end of the day, when the supposed-big and the supposed-small are put together like this,

you get a balanced & fuller life!!!...where problems would be the same size as the other little important things. Or better, if the apple would be smaller still and the strawberries larger. Wouldn't everybody be happier then?? That way, we get to enjoy a larger portion of juicy, sweet strawberries & be satisfied with a smaller-sized apple - so eating an apple whole would be way easier when your mouth could just open wide the size of the apple itself rather than hurting yr jaw when trying to take a bite off from a big apple.

Yes, you're right. The last part had no relevance whatsoever =)

Have a great day & follow my apple-strawberry theory! hehehh...

............thennnnnnnnn......that's when my camera "breathed its last breath". The irony of it all...after i finished writing on such a positive topic, something totally negative had to happen to me. & i felt happy and accomplished after i finished writing...and had to feel majorly, totally sad and depressed in after 5 mins. A total plunge. Tried to apply my own (apple-strawberry) theory to the situation too..to try making the problem seem small...since a camera's just a material possesion...but didn't quite work..Cos the costs outweighed the benefits..as in with my camera..

*SIGH* ALL OVER AGAIN!

PS. Let me know if the apple-strawberry theory actually works in real life. lol! oooh...! & the strawberries i mentioned which look like an ass! There's actually one in the picture! The one on the far right. Looks like an ass huh??! (hahaha i know..im excited cos i thought there were no pics of it)

cryin my lil heart out..

It's been a week and one day. No more droplets on the screen, viewfinder or watever it's called was cleared of water. Everything looked as if it was dried on the inside already... Said a little prayer, inserted the SD card and batteries and decided to see if my camera still worked or not. Took a deep breath...pressed the on/off button............nothing happened. Pressed on it again - harder this time, thinking it might be because i didnt apply enough pressure on the button so it might not have worked (yea yea..hardcore, desperately-tryin-to-be-postive-but-also-silly thinking). Of course, the screen didnt light up even after i pressed on the button another time and another after that -_-

My camera is officially dead. It's just one year old... =( I'm too sad (and guilty for having to use up another lump sum of my parents' money so soon) that i dont know what to do with it. What do you do with a spoiled, dead camera?? Do you keep it or throw it away..??? *sob* No miracle happened.........

But on the bright side, I guess it just means i get to get another camera..a better one..and hopefully cheap as well. A cheap, good one.... Sigh. ARGH!!!! How could i have been so careless!!? Should have kept the camera in my bagggggg.... Or shouldnt have taken it to torrens at all.. ='(

*filled with so much regret*

well...........nothing i can do about it.......................except to get another new camera..which would be my THIRD camera.

sigh. Feel so bad and so sad. So bad and so sad...soo badd and sooo saddddddddd... =(((((

...havent even told my parents about it. When i do get a new camera, i'm not sure if i should tell them at all or pretend that i'm using the same camera..loll..i'll feel too guiltyyyyyyy!!!!!!!! (to tell them the truth).....

*ouch* My heart hurts!!! sakit hati mannnn..I wont really give a damn if the camera's like 3 -5 yrs old. I mean, i'll be sad but at least it's already been used up 3-5 yrs. It's already depreciated. Whatever. Accounts. But ONE year is just...tooo soon. ahhhhhhhh. Okok, shouldn't talk about it anymore. Going to sleep.

*sniffles*

...I had false hope. I thought the camera would work. Since 4 ppl already told me to let it dry off and then try it - it should work. But it didnt. And i actually expected the screen to light up when i pressed the on button but it didnt.....!!!!!!!!!! I expected too much. I can't live without a cameraaaa!!!! I need one! But how am i gonna wait till nov to go back and get it?! please god, let there be a $300-priced camera over here.....

*sob*

...I could go on and on. I. cannot. stand. this.

Sadness, frustration, anger, guilt, regret!!!!

argh~! Ok. Need sleep. Tomorrow will be a better day.